But as we continued, I began to imagine myself walking toward Jesus, wondering what I would say when he asked me, “What do you want me to do for you?”…My answer came. My deep desire, the one below the surface, flickered just enough for me to name it…
I knew my answer almost immediately…I didn’t even have to think hard because I think about it ALL.THE.TIME…it’s never far beneath the surface…this unsettled ground where I can never seem to find my footing.
I want to feel safe in God’s arms and know that I can trust him.
It’s not just that one sentence that floats around my mind all day but a million others that represent the same thought:
Can I really trust that what you are saying is true…for ME?
What if it just applies to everyone else?
What if something so HARD happens to me that I can’t breath anymore…or put one foot in front of the other?
What if I come undone?
If you think I love my family too much will you take them away? Or my health? My home?
If you give me too many good things will you then try to balance the scales with hurt?
I try to answer the questions by running ahead of God. If I can learn something before he tries to teach me then maybe I will avoid some hurt. Sometimes I believe that if I take myself apart one piece at a time, keep my distance, dismantle my heart that he might keep me comfortable and safe.
The problem with all of this is that I can’t know what He will do or how He will do it. I can’t see the lessons He wants me to learn or how He’s going to teach me.
All I can know for sure is who He is, his heart, his ways, his motives.
But knowing something and living it are two very different things. Amen?
So, on those days when my heart is gasping for air, I look to my brain to tell me what’s true because I know that feelings aren’t facts. Sometimes we can’t follow our hearts because they can be tricky and deceptive.
I go to truth in THE WORD. I read it and speak it and preach it and sing it and ask God to rain it all they way to the cracked parts of me that are struggling for air and just fill them UP.
I don’t just want to KNOW the TRUTH but I want to WALK in it and BREATH it FULL into my lungs. That’s the only way to really breathe and live and trust and KNOW. I am safe because HE is TRUSTWORTHY and enough. Enough for any hurt or fear.
Because what those questions really signify is that I’m aware of my weakness and I’m scared that God won’t be enough to hold me up when I can’t do it myself. I don’t trust that He’ll give me peace in the storm or strength when I’m weak or comfort when I’m hurting…BUT He IS and He WILL.
Here is a favorite song I return to for that very reminder….
Do you ever struggle with these sorts of questions? What are yours? What do you do to find truth?